The cold days!

The cold days have resulted in non-school days for the kiddos.  What a blessing that has been for me.  This month has flown by with the help of not having one full week alone.  The laughter and lightness of having the kiddos home has been fun, but it has also been stressful. 

Being a present mom is very different than being the pre-occupied, unconnected, un-present mom.  The closest word I can find to what I use to be is a dictator, not a mom. You know the one who just barks orders and has no time to hear the reason or what I use to call the excuse to why something didn’t get done.  My journey from where I was to where I am going has been a true learning.  I am embarrassed to even be writing this, but I want to be real, and I want to share the truth of this transition. 

Many of you know, I am a typical type A, highly strung individual.  I like things done a certain way, and have very high standards for myself and everyone around me.  Having high standards isn’t a bad thing, it’s not.  However, I ran my house like a drill sergeant, which is completely unnecessary.  This behavior was my unnecessary evil to feel like I was in control when everything else was out of my control (aka- work life balance).   

My poor kiddos…my standards were unreasonable…Let me just remind you- I have two kiddos, a son who will be 10 in a few short weeks, and a daughter who is 7 ½ (can’t forget the ½).  I am going to be vulnerable here and just say it.  I was “That mom” the one that expected perfection from my kids.  You know…the mom that expects 100% on spelling, math, writing, etc.  The mom that would say, why didn’t you get 100% vs. good job, nice try, or did you understand what/ where the mistake was?  and/ or  Do you understand it now?  I would be the one that would see the flaws in their performance, the one that would point out the little miss vs. the one praising the great effort and overall performance.  All this was in an effort to help my kids…but I was that mom- the critical one.

Now, after 30 days of less stress, and being more present, I am saddened to truly see the effects of my parenting.  What I have noticed is my tyrant mom style has made my kiddos a little more self-conscious and a little more nervous, because they worry too much about what mom will say, if they did a good enough job, and if mom is proud.  I am EMBARRASSED that I have been that mom; that my kids even have to question themselves and if I am proud.  I am so incredibly proud of them.   I just pray that my kiddos will rebound from the critical, tough mom, and start to see an improvement and truly feel the unconditional love and how proud I am of them.  This transformation is not about not having rules and expectations; it's about having realistic, balanced ones.

I vow to my kiddos and to myself to try to NEVER be that mom again.  I pray for God’s grace and mercy and start off each morning with a prayer to soften my tongue and my heart and to show more compassionate and love.  From a clearer lens, I truly, truly see how AMAZING my kids are; they are responsible, respectful, caring, kind, loving, and funny!  I LOVE them to the moon and back, and am so lucky to be their mom.  I will not take their love and presence for granted.  They are my biggest blessing, and I will not forsake them.

This journey has been such a blessing…it has changed what I thought I knew, to some of my toughest realities.  I am so thankful for an amazing and supportive husband, and for a merciful God who continues to provide me another chance.

Today’s closing verse- my wake-up call! My hands and heart must work for the Lord, relying on myself is foolish.

Proverbs 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."