Where have I been and what have I been up to?

Hello again!  It’s been awhile since my last post…where have I been and what have I been up to?

I can’t believe that it has been 60+ days since I have left Target, and began this journey of being still and drawing closer to my faith, family and friends.

Have I been successful thus far?  Some days I would say DEFINITELY NO, other days I would say I am closer, but today…today is a rollercoaster of a day.

My faith is as strong as ever! My fuel is in the LORD.  I find great comfort in scripture, worship and messages.  My HOPE is in the LORD.  

So if my Hope is in the LORD…why the rollercoaster you may ask?  I ask and seek the same.

I have tried to be completely still, and have failed at that miserably.  I spent time letting the Word and reflection resonate in me, and to be honest it made me a little sad.  And here’s why… it was hard to believe that I left something so great.  Because blessings and gifts are brought from the Lord, and trials can be meant to teach us strength and humility.  So, if I had something so great- why did I leave it?  Did I leave it because it was hard?  Did I leave it because I gave up?  Did I run instead of fight?  Did I lose the lesson?  Was I not patient enough?  Some of those questions were and are tough…ultimately, my response IS…I left for my family and to draw closer to my faith.  But the sadness sinks in when I let “it” go…and “it” being the thing I need to seek out.  The “it” was the hard part, the “it” was hiding behind work, behind family, behind faith, and the “it” always found an excuse for the “why”.  It was sad to discover and really realize that the “it” was me.  So then what?

I am not still…I cannot be still!  The “it” in me is a doer and driver.  That is my gift.  I can’t help but love our current church series “The Micah Project” based on Micah 6:8.   Do Justice, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly this describes where I've been.

1. Do Justice= is the act
2. Love Mercy= Compassion
3. Walk Humbly (well that is what we’ll learn in church this upcoming weekend :))- but for me it is being thankful for what I have, not boosting, and giving/ sharing where I can

My Do Justice, was my reflection time.  The act of finding myself, forgiving myself, and seeking forgiveness.  My Love Mercy, began to surface when my justice was recognized.  My compassion for my family, my kids, my husband, my friends, my community, my church, HIS KINGDOM, became real.  And my Walk Humbly is what has given and kept me the busiest with so much joy lately.

I read scripture, go to lunch with my kiddos, support their school/ classrooms, go to lunch and coffee with my friends, take care of my home, make meals, mentor others, serve and volunteer weekly.  My schedule is as busy as ever.  You will hear me jokingly say, how did I ever get anything done before, or where do my days go?  But I am not joking, that is how it has been. My days are filled with great purpose, and great love.  BUT…this is where the rollercoaster comes in.

There is great purpose and great love in my days as I walk humbly and serve- but something is missing.  I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to take a step out of the work force and to have a supportive husband.  I am also thankful that the need for my income is not a necessity, but my need for something more is driving a little discontentment.  To be a person of great faith and to say I have discontentment is causing me great sadness.  I am prayerfully considering what is next.   There is piece of me that believes what is missing is my work (I am not saying that staying home is not work- it is!).  I am getting closer to the belief that there is something out there that would allow me to continue to Do Justice, Love Mercy and Walk Humbly and continue to be involved while working outside the home too.  What is my calling?  That is the question that I am now seeking- the one that causes this rollercoaster ride of great joy, great fear, and some days…anxiety.  However, the rollercoaster is balanced with God’s Word in Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious in anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

So the short answer to where have I been and what have I been up to after this long post is- I am still trying to figure it out!

Thank you for continuing to lift me up in support, prayer and encouragement.  My fears of the days being too quiet are long gone. 

I will close today’s post with the same verse I mentioned above as I continue to go find and discover my calling.  Lord comfort me in my anxieties, and remind me that YOUR WILL will be done.  I give you all the praise, and all the glory.

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious in anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”