Somewhere in the Middle

Hi Friends! 

I have been lacking in my posts lately…my apologies!

I hope everyone had a great Easter!  Our Lord has Risen!

I have heard from so many of you in the recent days and weeks, all commenting on my blog, and …a little guilt fell over me.  I haven’t been consistent with it, to be honest; it’s a reflection of where I’ve been in the last month- Do you know the song, “Somewhere in the Middle”, by Casting Crowns?   If you don’t know the song- take a listen

This song is where I am at in my journey.  Somewhere between the new and the old, somewhere between who I am and who I use to be, somewhere between my faith and my plans, somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more…Somewhere in the middle you’ll find me!

I don’t know that I have an inspiring blog to share today…I am feeling a little stuck.  Isn’t it crazy for me to write those words?  I have a family who is supportive beyond belief, friends who are uplifting, and a God that provides comfort.  But, yet I am feeling stuck in the middle.  How, why? 

I have been spending so much time volunteering and getting involved in so many great causes, I have spent time alone in complete silence, I have read the Word, I have sat across dear friends and shed tears, I have laughed with many, and am embracing life…yet I am feeling a little stuck.  I am trying so hard to be patient, while continuing to network for the right next opportunity.  I believe that God will lead and prompt me to what is right.  During this journey, I have learned so much, and I also know that I am not willing to just take any opportunity that is presented, and to truly prayerfully consider the next thing.  Truly, that has been the hardest part- saying No, but wanting it so badly to fill a void to be able to have purpose.  But it wasn’t the right thing- so patiently I wait. 

I do know that the day is coming, I do know that God prepares his children for the glory that is to come, so I wait.  Feeling stuck…maybe, but sharing the stuck with you definitely is what I needed today to feel the HOPE!

Isaiah 40:31
Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

A new journey has begun...

A few more weeks have passed…and a new journey has begun in the Miller household, unfortunately, it is not me.

Three weeks ago Zach resigned from Target.  We went from being a “Target Family” for 12+ years to a non-Target family all within 3 months of me resigning.  The Lord has more in store for us.  Our God is a God that always provides, protects and leads.  His steadfast love for us has opened new opportunities and we have now embarked on a new journey.

Can I just say, I am so proud of my husband!  I know many of you reading my post know my husband, but for those who do not- he is one of the most humble, thoughtful and encouraging people that you will ever meet.  He has selflessly let me shine and go after my dreams.  He has supported my every career move, my every mom move, and everything in between.  This man has loved his career, has been content and I know has put himself after his family.  He trusted in God’s timing that his day would come.  And truly, a God thing, a blessing- a new opportunity knocked on his door.  This faithful man did not jump at the first knock, he did not jump at the second knock, and instead he had us as a family praying for God’s blessing and direction.  Then one day, I am not sure what exactly prompted him to begin conversations and explore the knocking, but he did.  And with a faith-filled heart, he began his new journey.  I know it wasn’t an easy thing for him to do; he stepped out in faith and took a leap!  Zach loved his job at Target, he took on a different role back in the fall and wasn’t sure he would be so successful at it, but God knew he would be.  In his last role at Target Zach learned new skills, polished off old ones and his confidence and knowledge was contagious.  His passion for technology and data (and all the stuff I don’t understand J) was giving him so much energy- an energy that clearly God knew and one that others saw and sought after.  So the knocking began without any seeking from his part.  After prayerful consideration, Zach made his transition to UHG- Optum after 12+ years at Target.

Our family life has changed so drastically in a matter of a few short months.  It amazes me how GREAT our God is.  As a family we prayed for God’s grace and presence as we made a life changing decision when I left my job to do some soul searching.  We prayed that 2014 would be a transforming year for our family.  Little did we know the transformation that was in store for us.

This week marks a new chapter for Zach and our family as he has started his new career journey!  I am so excited and proud of him.  During this time, he has stayed focus on his faith, not the compensation, not the job title, but on his God.  And as I have said to many of you, this has all been a God thing.

As for me…I am still searching for the what’s next.  I love all the volunteering I am doing, but my brain longs for a complex business issue that I can solve.  So with that, I know it’s time to really begin looking.  I have learned so much these past 3 months about myself, my drive, and my limits.  I believe taking the time to refocus has provided me more clarity on what I am willing to give on.  The lens I have on now is clearer, stronger and more focused.   My God, family and friends have truly grounded me these past few months, I can now recognize the beauty around me and with my new found armor, I am ready!

As I am proofing and getting ready to post this blog, I received a nudge (which I believe is the Holy Spirit).  This is my Easter coming, this my God’s gift to me.  Let the old go, the new is coming, He is RISEN!  I have PROFOUND comfort in Christ the Lord!

Where have I been and what have I been up to?

Hello again!  It’s been awhile since my last post…where have I been and what have I been up to?

I can’t believe that it has been 60+ days since I have left Target, and began this journey of being still and drawing closer to my faith, family and friends.

Have I been successful thus far?  Some days I would say DEFINITELY NO, other days I would say I am closer, but today…today is a rollercoaster of a day.

My faith is as strong as ever! My fuel is in the LORD.  I find great comfort in scripture, worship and messages.  My HOPE is in the LORD.  

So if my Hope is in the LORD…why the rollercoaster you may ask?  I ask and seek the same.

I have tried to be completely still, and have failed at that miserably.  I spent time letting the Word and reflection resonate in me, and to be honest it made me a little sad.  And here’s why… it was hard to believe that I left something so great.  Because blessings and gifts are brought from the Lord, and trials can be meant to teach us strength and humility.  So, if I had something so great- why did I leave it?  Did I leave it because it was hard?  Did I leave it because I gave up?  Did I run instead of fight?  Did I lose the lesson?  Was I not patient enough?  Some of those questions were and are tough…ultimately, my response IS…I left for my family and to draw closer to my faith.  But the sadness sinks in when I let “it” go…and “it” being the thing I need to seek out.  The “it” was the hard part, the “it” was hiding behind work, behind family, behind faith, and the “it” always found an excuse for the “why”.  It was sad to discover and really realize that the “it” was me.  So then what?

I am not still…I cannot be still!  The “it” in me is a doer and driver.  That is my gift.  I can’t help but love our current church series “The Micah Project” based on Micah 6:8.   Do Justice, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly this describes where I've been.

1. Do Justice= is the act
2. Love Mercy= Compassion
3. Walk Humbly (well that is what we’ll learn in church this upcoming weekend :))- but for me it is being thankful for what I have, not boosting, and giving/ sharing where I can

My Do Justice, was my reflection time.  The act of finding myself, forgiving myself, and seeking forgiveness.  My Love Mercy, began to surface when my justice was recognized.  My compassion for my family, my kids, my husband, my friends, my community, my church, HIS KINGDOM, became real.  And my Walk Humbly is what has given and kept me the busiest with so much joy lately.

I read scripture, go to lunch with my kiddos, support their school/ classrooms, go to lunch and coffee with my friends, take care of my home, make meals, mentor others, serve and volunteer weekly.  My schedule is as busy as ever.  You will hear me jokingly say, how did I ever get anything done before, or where do my days go?  But I am not joking, that is how it has been. My days are filled with great purpose, and great love.  BUT…this is where the rollercoaster comes in.

There is great purpose and great love in my days as I walk humbly and serve- but something is missing.  I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to take a step out of the work force and to have a supportive husband.  I am also thankful that the need for my income is not a necessity, but my need for something more is driving a little discontentment.  To be a person of great faith and to say I have discontentment is causing me great sadness.  I am prayerfully considering what is next.   There is piece of me that believes what is missing is my work (I am not saying that staying home is not work- it is!).  I am getting closer to the belief that there is something out there that would allow me to continue to Do Justice, Love Mercy and Walk Humbly and continue to be involved while working outside the home too.  What is my calling?  That is the question that I am now seeking- the one that causes this rollercoaster ride of great joy, great fear, and some days…anxiety.  However, the rollercoaster is balanced with God’s Word in Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious in anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

So the short answer to where have I been and what have I been up to after this long post is- I am still trying to figure it out!

Thank you for continuing to lift me up in support, prayer and encouragement.  My fears of the days being too quiet are long gone. 

I will close today’s post with the same verse I mentioned above as I continue to go find and discover my calling.  Lord comfort me in my anxieties, and remind me that YOUR WILL will be done.  I give you all the praise, and all the glory.

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious in anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

The cold days!

The cold days have resulted in non-school days for the kiddos.  What a blessing that has been for me.  This month has flown by with the help of not having one full week alone.  The laughter and lightness of having the kiddos home has been fun, but it has also been stressful. 

Being a present mom is very different than being the pre-occupied, unconnected, un-present mom.  The closest word I can find to what I use to be is a dictator, not a mom. You know the one who just barks orders and has no time to hear the reason or what I use to call the excuse to why something didn’t get done.  My journey from where I was to where I am going has been a true learning.  I am embarrassed to even be writing this, but I want to be real, and I want to share the truth of this transition. 

Many of you know, I am a typical type A, highly strung individual.  I like things done a certain way, and have very high standards for myself and everyone around me.  Having high standards isn’t a bad thing, it’s not.  However, I ran my house like a drill sergeant, which is completely unnecessary.  This behavior was my unnecessary evil to feel like I was in control when everything else was out of my control (aka- work life balance).   

My poor kiddos…my standards were unreasonable…Let me just remind you- I have two kiddos, a son who will be 10 in a few short weeks, and a daughter who is 7 ½ (can’t forget the ½).  I am going to be vulnerable here and just say it.  I was “That mom” the one that expected perfection from my kids.  You know…the mom that expects 100% on spelling, math, writing, etc.  The mom that would say, why didn’t you get 100% vs. good job, nice try, or did you understand what/ where the mistake was?  and/ or  Do you understand it now?  I would be the one that would see the flaws in their performance, the one that would point out the little miss vs. the one praising the great effort and overall performance.  All this was in an effort to help my kids…but I was that mom- the critical one.

Now, after 30 days of less stress, and being more present, I am saddened to truly see the effects of my parenting.  What I have noticed is my tyrant mom style has made my kiddos a little more self-conscious and a little more nervous, because they worry too much about what mom will say, if they did a good enough job, and if mom is proud.  I am EMBARRASSED that I have been that mom; that my kids even have to question themselves and if I am proud.  I am so incredibly proud of them.   I just pray that my kiddos will rebound from the critical, tough mom, and start to see an improvement and truly feel the unconditional love and how proud I am of them.  This transformation is not about not having rules and expectations; it's about having realistic, balanced ones.

I vow to my kiddos and to myself to try to NEVER be that mom again.  I pray for God’s grace and mercy and start off each morning with a prayer to soften my tongue and my heart and to show more compassionate and love.  From a clearer lens, I truly, truly see how AMAZING my kids are; they are responsible, respectful, caring, kind, loving, and funny!  I LOVE them to the moon and back, and am so lucky to be their mom.  I will not take their love and presence for granted.  They are my biggest blessing, and I will not forsake them.

This journey has been such a blessing…it has changed what I thought I knew, to some of my toughest realities.  I am so thankful for an amazing and supportive husband, and for a merciful God who continues to provide me another chance.

Today’s closing verse- my wake-up call! My hands and heart must work for the Lord, relying on myself is foolish.

Proverbs 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."

Time flies...and the lessons that are being learned

Where has the time gone?

I can’t believe that I have not posted a blog entry this week.  I do not know where the time has gone!

First, I want to start off today by saying that my prayers are with so many of my previous Target colleagues.  It was a tough day at Target regardless of personal impact or not.  But, what I do know is that God has a plan for all of us, and He will always provide.

In my journey thus far, here is what I have learned:

1. I have an AWESOME God!
2. I miss Target a lot more than I thought I would
3. That being still is different than being “still”
4. That starting the day off right really does affect my attitude and outlook
5. That when people comment about me being “lighter” it brings me so much joy.  I feel lighter!
6. That smiling more does help
7. That my stress level has been reduced and my kiddos can tell
8. That no matter how much laundry I do- there is always more! (you know that sense of accomplishment from the day when all the hampers are empty, only to see not one is empty by the end of the night…:()
9. That spending time with friends and catching up fills my joy cup
10. That time flies!  It seems once I found contentment in the quiet, the days have flown by

The weeks are continuing to transform me.  What I do know now is that #4 above is the key to my success.  If I could start each morning off right in devotion and prayer, my day would be set-up in the right way.  I am not saying that I haven’t failed in patience, respect, and love along the way, but getting into the Word and spending time reflecting has been so very therapeutic. 

So, no great A’HA moments today- just truly blessed and thankful for this time to pause. So for those of my friends and colleagues who may have received an unplanned time to pause- it may be a blessing for you in disguise.  Take a breath, don’t panic, just breathe and let yourself also find joy in the quiet. 

I will close with one of favorite life verses and hope that it brings comfort for those who may need it today: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

New Beginnings...

Today, I laughed!

As I was having coffee with a dear friend today, I laughed like I haven’t laughed in a long time.  It wasn’t a funny joke, it wasn’t about much to be honest, it was about the time I now had.  As I was sitting at coffee, I shared all I had been up to, the new things I had tried, and frankly all the things I use to not have time for…such as reading fun, somewhat useless facts about comparisons of the 80s to today, vs. birth order and behaviors, to volunteering and cutting out shapes.  It was fun!

As another week winds down, my spirit is so alive!  This week was a pivotal week for me.  I shared yesterday that I was starting to enjoy and appreciate the quiet.  This week has pushed me out of my comfort zone in many ways.  For the past 2 ½ weeks, I have sat quietly while at home, no TV, no radio, just me, the computer, some cleaning and laundry.  But I am learning to really enjoy the quiet.  I talk to myself, pray and really am taking in the moments that I may have missed previously.   

In this journey of change, I am also trying to be better to my body.  As many of you know…you would hear me saying- if a building was burning down and it was between running to save my life or die…you would probably find me dead- BUT…times are a changin’ :).  I told my husband, who is a runner that I would run a 5k with him this spring, so…guess where I have found myself this week…you betcha- on the treadmill.  But before I made it there, my husband had to show me how to turn it ON…SAD, I know.  But I took the first step.  I turned on the treadmill, I even got on it…and walked, then ran.  Though not far, I ran a ½ mile and surprisingly am still alive.  I will hit the treadmill 2 to 3 times a week to get up to that 3 mile run at a decent pace before the snow melts so that I can enjoy some quality time with the love of my life, doing what he enjoys, running!  So keep encouraging me…I’ll need it! 

So, as if starting to run was not enough for this week…I took the plunge with my neighbor to attempt Heat Yoga.  Insert LAUGH!!!!!!!  For all of you- you know who you are- who have told me how great and relaxing Heat Yoga is and how much I’d enjoy it- all I have to say is …YEAH, RIGHT!  It was the toughest hour of my life!  It was not relaxing; I was the one the instructor needed to remind to breathe.  It was killer!  But, I tried something new, and it is also one of the things that has made me laugh the most this week.  When I came home, the first thing I did was shoot my husband and email that said…”OMG, Heat Yoga kicked my…”  But, I am not quitter, so I will be back at it again next week.   To top it off, my dad of all people suggested that I use our Wii to learn some basic yoga poses so that I would be more prepared next time- bless his heart!  LOL!!!

It’s been a great week, I’ve had time to connect with many people and really sit and enjoy their company.  I’ve been able to try new things, and not take myself too seriously.  I love waking up every morning knowing that the first thing I do is spend time with the Lord, reading His word, and setting myself up for the day ahead.  My biggest learning so far is that it’s not about the what, it’s about the how.  And for me right now, it’s about how I am setting up my day in the Word.

I hope everyone has a great weekend- talk to all next week.  Blessings my friends!

Closing verse today:  Genesis 21:6 “God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh over me.”

The beauty of music..

Shockingly, I am finding great comfort in the quiet.  I am being transformed and can start to feel my spirit at peace and surprisingly others are starting to make comments too.

I have a few song verses that I strive to live out.  The first is from “Live Like That, by Sidewalk Prophets” the verse that gets me every time is: 

People pass
And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed
When they see me, do they see You

This verse is really important to me.  I want to make sure that I am living a life that does not reflect selfishness, is not about me or about judgment.  I want to see the good in people again!  When a smile, my smile, can change a person’s day or journey, I want that.  Looking back, I had lost that true belief that people are good, and that in all things, there was good.  When I was letting my faith slip, I also lost sight of the good in people and things.  I became that person that always saw the “even better if” vs. letting good, be good enough.  When I became the “even better if” person, my smile dimmed, I became more selfish, and very judgmental of others.  In my defense, I thought I was helping to make things better, to push because pushing got better results, that even though it didn’t feel great, it would surely grow you.  In many ways this is true, and for many people they can do this and balance their faith and stay focused and positive.  I unfortunately, was not one of them.

It’s okay though, in these past few weeks, I am learning.  And through God’s grace my sins are forgiven.  I am humbled that I have an AWESOME GOD, who has been patient with me, and giving me family and friends that support and nudge me to help see the truth as well.  I am blessed to have this opportunity to STOP, REFLECT and LEARN.  And boy am I learning!!!  There are moments that I look back on and can tell you the exact moment where I swayed…I am saddened by this.  I compromised my great God, for great selfish successes.  However, I am so excited to have this time to be filled with scripture and truth.  To learn and be a shining light for someone else.

My other song verse is “Scandal of Grace, by Hillsong United”.  This song is amazing, but truly this verse is my intent.  I need this. Lately you will hear me humming this all day long- this is my ENERGY!  This is my comfort, this is my HOPE!

Oh to be like you

Give all I have just to know you

Jesus, there’s no one besides you

Forever the hope in my heart

Today’s verse that carries me is, Psalm 91:2 “I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust”

As the weeks go by...

First, thank you for reading my first blog post yesterday and for the words of encouragement, support and love that many of you have sent me.  It means the world to me!

So now that I am home and the first few weeks have gone by...let me fill you in.  The holidays were AMAZING this year!  I was able to truly be "present" that was the best gift I could have asked for.  Winter break was full of house projects, fun, laughter, outings and so much more!  To be honest, I had forgotten that I had quit my job...but then January 1st came, work would resume for Zach and the kiddos would be headed back to school.  The anticipation of January 2nd and a QUIET house was enough to make this girl panic!  

Like any strong woman, I hid my fear, reverted back to auto-pilot and began to stress everyone in my family out...where did the "fun mom" go..why all of a sudden the tightly strung mom barking out orders with an occasional please, and thank you to follow? Well...it was the internal panic, the anxiety of the unknown that was settling in. BUT...this time, it was a little different.  This time- I paused, stepped away, and prayed. And slowly, the anxiety and panic became a little more manageable. I'd be lying if I said it has gone away...it hasn't.

The transition had to begin...
Who am I without Target?  I use to have a purpose every day, my calendar was always full, I'd be lucky to eat lunch, have desk time, and connect with my team.  The mornings use to begin with picking up my phone, pursing emails, jumping on calls, getting the kids off to school and running to my first meeting once I was in the office.
Now, what was my purpose?  No meetings, few appointments, no calls.  Now what?!

My phone, which I had been so attached to no longer held the same purpose, the same meaning. I relied on my phone like it was my bible.  It held the power to lead me through my day, telling me where to go, what was next, who was needing me, emailing me, calling me, texting me.  Now...it sits.  The withdrawal of the phone, of my sense of purpose was real.  I began to question...what is my purpose, where am I needed, what I am going to do?!  Panic and anxiety set in again.

Naturally, I default back to my purpose is my work.  I update my LinkedIn profile, my resume, research jobs, network, reach out, call, call, call...  BUT WAIT!!!!  
Doing all these things didn't fill me up- it filled my time up, made me worry more, and didn't leave time to be still and learn to appreciate the quiet.

So...let's reset, step back and now step back in.  Today, I start my days with true quiet time.  I get up early, read the Bible, reflect, and set the day up right.  I don't grab my phone to check emails or if I have a call or need to run.  I quietly get up, pray, read, reflect and begin my day with my kids.  

I am learning to be still in increments.  I am not still all day.  I lean on the Lord all day for comfort.  I am still searching for the what's next and where the road will lead.  I trust fully in the Lord, and know that there will be disappointments, challenges and struggles in the days ahead, but I will pause to see the lesson and use the Bible as my guide, not my phone.  Through my devotional quiet time I have found that each day, each verse has been selected for me, to direct and encourage me.  

Today's verse: Mark 11: 23 "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them"  

So with today's verse, I am comforted by our mighty God, that He will open new doors for me and that He will continue to provide and instill purpose in me.

  

A new journey

After 13 years working in Corporate America- it was time to say good-bye, and now- a new journey is beginning.

It's been a few weeks since I have stepped away from my role, and many of you have asked, what sparked the change?, what are you going to be doing next?, and the answer to all of it is...FAITH.  Faith sparked my change, and Faith in God is where I will be going next!  I pray that God will lead me and open new doors. 

I loved my job.  My job had great rewards, great projects, great teams, great leaders and great friends.  What my job also had was my whole-heart.  What I didn't realize at the time, was I was giving, and giving, and giving my everything to my job, because I truly loved it.  But what I was missing were my other loves...

1. My faith and my God

2. My husband

3. My children

4. My family 

5. My friends

6. Volunteering

7. ME

My love for my job filled me in many ways, but as a result it also drained me.  I would get great satisfaction from successes that came from work, and let the rest of my world run status-quo.  I was blessed and able to do this because I have an amazing husband, who is full of faith, carried the weight of our family, our friends, and our commitments in my absence while I continued to work.  But it was a few months back, when resentment started to creep in. When jealously lurked here and there, when my alarm clock began to sound...but I snoozed my alarm clock and kept moving 100 mph on my work.

For many days, months if not years, my drive became stronger, but my focus on God and my family became blurred.  I was heads-down, full speed ahead on driving my career.  I never would have admitted to this then, but looking back, sadly I was.  So, where does faith come in to this story...it starts here!

For months, my husband and children would make small, but still supportive remarks- I would brush those off.  Then as the stress built of doing it all...I cracked.  I was lost.  I didn't have my eyes focused on God, on my family, on myself.  I don't know that I could answer the question "Who is Phuong?"  So, it was time to stop hitting the snooze button to my wake up call, and begin to start realizing who this woman is.  

So, yes, it may have been too drastic, too bold, too risky- but I prayed a prayer of salvation, a prayer for guidance, a prayer of hope- and I took the biggest, boldest leap of faith I could to revive, jump start my focus on my FAITH, FAMILY, FRIENDS, and me- and left my 13 year career.

I am not sure where my journey will lead, however I am confident that my relationship with God, my family and friends will only grow stronger through this.  

So, I'm going to start blogging my journey for me, but hope that you enjoy reading it too.  

Thanks to for all your support and love- I can’t wait to see where the road will lead!  

Psalm 118: 24 "This is the day the Lord has made;We will rejoice and be glad in it."